No one :
Me when I swimming :
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.