chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
🤣could you imagine
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
😆this is so true
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’