inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You Might Also Like
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My first son he is wonderful
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol