2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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This line from Airplane.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.