I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
United Steaks of America
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”