8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
fly smarter, not harder
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?