You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I am also baked goods
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.