bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.