“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Yes, but it was never about money
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous