Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive