Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Happy Friday
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Salad is the decaf of food.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.