My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.