Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
You Might Also Like
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
no regrets
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u