I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy