Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Thinking outside the box.. 😅