Still my favourite meme.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?