I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
somewhere, in an alternate universe