Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M