but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.