What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Genius idea!!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet