Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.