ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.