“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
<—- homeless romantic
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
i choose….tongue
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Good point.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”