I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
whatcha thinkin bout
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.