Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The government even made aliens boring
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”