ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
You Might Also Like
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.