She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
when u come home smelling like another dog
How dude HOW?!
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.