I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons