when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You Might Also Like
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”