Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house