Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life