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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”