Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Its true…
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake