When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
mmm onion ringos
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.