Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?