[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
You Might Also Like
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Love is in the air fryer.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music