Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Xylophonist Shredding It
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.