If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Oh no
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair