Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born