It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?