Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
A Short Story.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes