It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.