When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
You Might Also Like
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
operators are standing by to ignore your call
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Help Wanted
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”