What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Trying
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
found my next D&D character name
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.