If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do