Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
normalize having existential bread
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Free him
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies