My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly