Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why