At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??