interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”